Twenty-seventh Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

It has been so long since I last wrote you a letter here. I have one in my laptop which I have never been able to post. I have been very lazy to blog although I am never lazy to think of you. Your dad and I think about you every day. We talk about you every day too. We imagine conversations with you with funny made up dialogues. We love thinking about you although I most of the time end up crying afterwards. I still blame myself in a way.

We placed your cremains in a nice resting place at the Immaculate Conceptuon Carhedral and we visit it every week right after (or sometimes) before Mass. I like bringing you my favorite flowers of carnation, stargazer and gerbera. You actually had the prettiest basket of flowers last All Soul's Day.

Your Kuya, dad and I are moving to a new home in a new city. It's probably around 8km away from your reating place. We will still visit every week.

I have to go back to packing now. We move on Saturday morning. I hope that the new home will be good for us.

I love you always, Sofie!

Flying hugs and kisses to heaven,
Mommy

Twenty-sixth Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

It has been three years since I gave birth to you, three years since I last saw your face, three years since the first and last time I kissed you. Yesterday was your birthday and the anniversary of your passing. We still miss you a lot. I still think of you every day. Daddy and I talk about you all the time, imagining your antics and your reactions to certain things and situations. We imagined how different your birthday would have been this year. We said that maybe you would have wanted to spend the day at the Manila Ocean Park, that you would have been so noisy and excited at the back of the car.



Instead, Daddy and I spent the day shopping for presents for you which we would give to a needy little girl in your name. We had a quiet dinner with your Kuya, Lola and Lolo and your cousin Emilio and his parents.

I wish I could bring back the day I gave birth to you and kiss you one more time. I miss you so much! I love you always.


Flying kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Twenty-fifth Letter to Sofie

My dearest Sofie,

It's been a long time since I last wrote you a letter. I have been very busy this school year. I have actually been neglecting this blog too. Anyway, that doesn't mean that Mommy is too busy to think of you. That's very far from the truth. I still think of you every day, and I know I will continue doing so for the rest of my life. Daddy and I always talk about you, and wonder what kind of personality you have. We always argue about who you look like. I just know you look like me! But Daddy keeps insisting that you look like him. 😁

I have been trying to paint lately, whenever time permits and I can't help thinking that had you been here with us, you would be painting some pictures beside me. And you would probably even tell your daddy that it was you who made my paintings! 😊Life would have been so different with you here! So much happier with the sounds of your giggles and shrieks, the sound of little feet running around the house and maybe even the sound of you whining because Kuya doesn't want to play with you. These are the sounds I would never know but will forever wish to know.

Your daddy said he would have called you his little monkey because you would always be hanging around his neck. What I am sure of is that Mommy would have been so proud to be seen with you because you would have been the most beautiful little girl anyone has ever seen.

I love you so, Sofie!

I miss you.

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Twenty-fourth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

I wasn't able to write to you on your birthday and I am so sorry for that! Although I know that my greetings have reached you in Heaven I still feel bad that I was not able to write you a letter. You see, Mommy sees this blog as some kind of portal through which she can send her letters to Heaven.

The month of April was a very busy month for your mom. You should know that your mom can do a lot of things so most of the time people ask her help for different things. I really wish you got to know me, Sofie. I think you would have been proud of your mom. :)

Anyway, I was planning to be absent on your birthday so that we could celebrate properly. But  I was asked to write and direct a play and the play was shown on your birthday. I could not be absent because there was no one else to do the work I had to do.

We had a simple dinner celebration at Contis'. Your grandparents on my side were there to celebrate with us. For your birthday cake, I ordered chocolate velvet but I had already sliced the cake before I remembered that I had not yet taken a picture of it.

We may not have been able to celebrate  your birthday the way I wanted to but I know you had a blast in Heaven.

Remember that Daddy and I think and talk about you all the time.  We miss you so!


I love you, dear Sofie!

Happy 2nd year in Heaven!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Twenty-third Letter to Sofia

My darling Sofia,

You'll be turning two in a couple of weeks.  Even though you are in Heaven I am still excited to celebrate your birthday.  I want it to be special just like last year because you are special and I want
people to know that you matter.

Daddy and I always talk about you.  Sometimes he talks about his plans for you as if you were still around to make his plans come true.   Most of the time, he smells my ears and imagines it's your ears he's smelling.  It's weird, I know.  But in a way, it makes him a little happier.

It's been almost two years but until now I do not understand what happened.  I still don't understand why you were taken from us so soon.  I still don't understand why God gave me a gift He never meant for me to open.  And the sad thing is that I don't think I will ever understand.  Daddy mentioned the other day how you sighed in his arms and I realized that I never even felt you breathe.  It makes me so sad that I never even really felt you except for that time I rubbed my cheek against yours  and kissed you.   Knowing that that memory is slowly fading with time makes me even sadder.  I want so much to remember how your skin felt against mine but the remembrance of it is slowly fading away.

Despite the fact that it's getting harder for me to remember how your skin felt like, I want you to always remember that you will never be forgotten.  You will always be remembered.  You will always be loved, my sweet baby girl.  Mommy will always keep you in her heart.

I love you always, Sofie!  Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven...

Love,
Mommy

Twenty-second Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofia,

Merry Christmas, my darling! I wish you were here to see the lights and to hear the sounds of Christmas. You would have loved this time of year, just like Mommy does. Do you know that it's my favorite time? It's during this time when Mommy and Daddy got married and it's also during this time when we first learned you were growing inside me! Christmas became more magical that year.  We were so happy and so filled with hope. How I wish I could bring back those moments when you were here and probably do some things differently, so that that this time, you could stay.

I have been in toy stores thrice this month. During those times I saw toys I would have bought for you...so many cute toys you would have loved!

Daddy and I always think of you, always talk about you. We often make up conversations where you are included. Daddy always tries to imagine how you would probably react and how you would probably try to defend him every time he feels I am being unfair to him.  It's funny sometimes. Anyone who overhears our conversation would surely think you're alive. In a way, you still are and forever will be in the hearts of those who love you best-- Mommy, Daddy and Kuya.

I love you, baby.

Flying kisses to Heaven.
Mommy

Twenty-first Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

It's been quite a while since you last received a letter from me.  You know that's a good sign, don't you? That means Mommy doesn't need to write letters to feel better as much as she did before.  But although I feel so much better now, you should know that Daddy and Mommy still think and talk about you every day. We always talk about you, and try to guess what kind of personality you have.  We think about how you would react if we did certain things.  We wonder about who you look like and we actually always argue about that.  Daddy thinks you look like him but I keep insisting that you look a lot like me.  

Mommy is not yet pregnant so please help me ask for a healthy and normal baby girl from God, ok? I just need another baby to love and take care of.  Kuya needs someone he can be with in the far away future when Mommy is gone and Daddy needs someone who will love him the way little girls love their daddies.  She will never replace you.  Nobody can.  

I hope to see you in my dreams, my sweet Sofia.

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Twentieth Letter to Sofia

Dear Sofie,

I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks.  Mostly because I have been experimenting on some crafts and artworks.  Your mom has been learning how to paint with watercolors.  I'm not really good at it, but I am proud of my work.

I made this card for your Dad.  It was his birthday last week.  I also gave him a bottle of perfume which he didn't particularly like :( and a gift certificate to facial and diamond peel.

And here are some things I've sewn for my growing business.

I started sewing a year ago some two months after you went home to Heaven. I was so devastated back then and even thought I would never smile or hum a tune again.  One day I found something on the net called traveler's notebook and I thought that making it would be a good diversion for me. Sewing my first notebooks and writing letters to you have done so much for me.  I can't say I am completely healed because there is a big hole in my heart that will never heal until I finally have you in my arms.   But at least, the notebooks and the letters I write have helped me cope with my grief.

I have also sewn a laptop sleeve, a tote bag and I'm happy I have found a productive way to spend my spare time. But you know what?  I'd rather have no spare time just as long as I get to spend my time with you and Kuya together.  But that's impossible now, my only wish is for you to ask God to give me another baby girl, a healthy, normal and strong baby girl not to replace you but just to be bring cheer, joy and love to our days here on earth. Can you do that for me little one?

I love you dear Sofie.  And I miss you.

Love always and lots of flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Nineteenth Letter to Sofia

Dear Sofie,

I cannot believe it's been one year since the day I gave birth to you.  Time has flown so fast, no matter how much I wanted it to slow down, for fear of getting too far from the time you were here with us...with me.

I hope it's a happy day for you in Heaven, hearing Mommy sing Happy Birthday for you this morning. I wanted to make this day special for you and for our family so that time you heard Mommy sing, it was 4:10 in the morning.  We woke up early to go to the hills because it was the highest place I could go to and I wanted to go as close to you as possible.

                                               We went to a place called Caleruega.

                Daddy, Kuya and I had a picnic breakfast there  to celebrate your birthday.

We had fried chicken, salmon pie, prawns, apples, grapes and oranges , and of course a birthday cake for you with three lighted candles (one for each member of your family here on earth).  I hope next year there will be four candles.

You want to see what the rest of the place looked like?

Here's Daddy in the middle of the hanging bridge.

    There he is again...so tired from carrying the heavy cooler.

     

                                                       I wrapped a present for you.

No, Mommy hasn't gone crazy wrapping presents for an angel baby who doesn't need earthly things anymore.  I wrapped a present because I wanted to have the joy of wrapping something for you. And then....we gave your present away to children who needed it more.

See ? It says, "To Earth's little angels....From Heaven's Sofia Marie"

                                              You want to know what's inside?

My favorites are the ones with angel wings.

These baby clothes went to the babies who live here ....

Their mommies abandoned them so  the Augustinian sisters take care of them.

We also gave them some diapers in addition to the baby clothes.

Here is your birthday cake which we shared with your Lola Alma and Lolo Maning yesterday.

I forgot to take a picture of it before slicing.  

    And of course, we made sure you had fresh flowers.

We also offered Masses for you in different churches and it's almost time to attend one of them now.  I have to go and change.

I just want your memory to live.  I want your life, no matter how short it was, to mean something not just to me or to our family but to the world.  That is why I am going to do nice things in your name for the rest of my life.  I want it to be said that the world is a little bit brighter BECAUSE YOU LIVED.

Happy Birthday and happy 1st year in Heaven.  I hope you're having a blast with your two siblings.

I love you, dear Sofie.  I miss you so much!

Lots of flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Eighteenth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

How are you? It's been a while since I last wrote you a letter but don't think for one second that I have forgotten you because that is far from the truth. I think about you every day---Daddy and I think about you every day.

I wonder how life at home would have been like with you here. Life would have been so different by now, with you keeping me, your dad and even Kuya busy.  I would have given anything just to have that life with you. But I had no control over things. GOD wanted you back and no matter how badly we wanted you to stay, no matter how desperate we were to have that life with you, we couldn't do anything.

It's almost a year now since the day you were born. I still wonder what I did wrong. I still wonder if I failed you. I still wonder  if I was a good mom to you.  In any case, I hope you knew and felt how much I loved you, how much your daddy and I loved you.
You are loved and always will be.

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Seventeenth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

Happy ninth month in Heaven sweet baby!  As I sit here, waiting for your daddy to bring home your cake, I wonder how you are, what you look like right now.   I wonder if you stayed the same tiny baby that I gave birth to nine months ago or if Heaven lets babies grow into little children and that you are bigger now, crawling perhaps in the garden of the Lord.  I wonder who is bigger, you or your two other siblings who returned to Heaven when they were only weeks old.

I wonder if you look at me and if you're proud of what you see... because I am not, I am not proud of myself, of the kind of mother I am.  But I promise you sweet, Sofie, that I will try my best to be the best mom I can be to your Kuya and to the healthy and normal baby sister (or brother) that I hope is now growing inside me.

I sit here and think how much I miss you and how much I will always miss you for the rest of my life, that even if your dad and I will be blessed with a baby we can raise and see grow up to maturity, we will never forget you.  We will always miss you.  And we will always celebrate your short life the way that we do today, because we love you and we always will.

Lots of flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Sixteenth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

Merry Christmas and happy 8th month in Heaven.

I miss you specially last night and today.  There were times when I couldn't help but cry. It was hard to wrap presents without thinking that I should have been wrapping something for you had you been here with us.

We offered mass for you today.  I prayed to God to kiss you and your siblings for me.

Then, we went to watch Star Wars because your Dad and Kuya wanted to watch it so badly even on Christmas Day. While waiting for the movie to start, we celebrated your 8th month in Heaven with my new favorite chocolate cake from Mary Grace.  We were supposed to celebrate at home but there were no more seats in the earlier screenings.  We were able to get tickets for the 8:00 show and waiting till the movie ended and till we got back home would have been to late for such celebration.

I just got back home and it's actually 2:00 am of the 26th.  But since I haven't slept, for me, it still Christmas day and I just didn't want to go to sleep without letting you know that I had you in my thoughts all day....you and your siblings.  Kiss them and hug them for me.

I miss you so much, Sofie!  And  I love you... all three of you!

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Fifteenth Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

I just came home from a three-day retreat.  A retreat is when we leave everything to go to a quiet place usually close to nature and there we pray, reflect and listen to God.

In one of our first activities, we were asked to write the blessings that we received this 2015, all the things that gave us happiness. And there we also wrote all the things that made us sad.  This 2015, the happiest moments that I had mostly had something to do with you.  When I first saw your heart beating, I was so happy.  There was new life growing inside of me and nothing could beat that feeling of joy and hope mixed beautifully together. All those moments I heard your strong heartbeat gave me so much happiness.  I knew that you were there, growing, holding on until the time was right for us to meet face to face.

My lowest moment (and of course, your dad's) was when you left us to go back home to God.  I don't think I will ever be able to find the words to describe the mixed feeling of sadness, grief, disappointment, frustration, guilt, anger, and of lost hopes and dreams.

We were asked to fold our paper to a smaller size, to cup our hands and place the paper on our palms. The speaker said, "Close your eyes and feel the angels of God coming down from heaven.  They embrace you, they take your paper from your hands and offer it at the foot of the cross."  The moment she talked about angels coming down, I saw you and your two siblings.  I saw the three of you surrounding me.  It was so beautiful and my tears flowed down heavily from my eyes, down my cheeks, dripping down my chin and falling on my shirt.  My eyes were like an overflowing well.  My tears fell like they never did before because at that moment, I felt that I was with you...with all three of you.  I felt your presence and at that moment, my heart was full.

I miss you so much my sweet Sofie!   I think about you every day and I will never stop doing so. Tell your siblings I miss them too.  I love you all.


Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Fourteenth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

I wanted to tell you how much I miss you.  I have been crying a lot lately.  Your dad only needs to mention your name and tears would well up in my eyes.  I look at your pictures and I cry.  I cried during Mass yesterday and while I was waiting for my order at the coffee shop at lunchtime today, I suddenly found myself crying because I was thinking about how much I missed you.  I love thinking about you but it's hard to think about you without getting sad.  It's weird that the thing that makes me happy is the same reason that makes me sad.

I don't know if you know that Daddy and I have been buying kinder joys for you.  We buy them and keep the toys when they are for girls.

Just like this toy ring...  the petals spin round and round when I blow them.  We try to imagine how you would probably giggle if you were the one to blow them and they spin around just like they do when I blow them.

And these girly dolls...

Lately, my sadness is doubled or should I say, tripled because every time I think of you, I also remember your two siblings (who I hope are keeping you company there in Heaven).  I feel so sorry for them because I have never kissed them the way I have kissed you.  They have never felt my touch or heard my voice.  I call them Marie Clarisse and Mary Pauline just because I wanted a girl but they had gone back to Heaven long before we could have known their genders.  I didn't even know that they were twins until Marie Clarisse had already gone to Heaven.  And I don't even know the exact time day when Mary Pauline went to join Clarisse.

This picture is the only memory I have of them and it makes me so sad.  Please tell them that they too were loved, and are loved still.

I love you so much sweet Sofie.  I love all three of you.


Flying hugs and kisses to you all in Heaven.


Love always,

Mommy

Thirteenth Letter to Sofia

Dear Sofie,

Your sixth month in Heaven was two weeks ago. I'm sorry I wasn't able to write .  You know you have been in our minds, in MY mind and that we celebrated it with a lovely delish caramel cheesecake. Really yummy!

Daddy, Kuya, Lolo and Lola went home to our province in Zambales to celebrate All Saints Day there. Of course, I couldn't leave your ashes at home on All Saints Day so we took your ashes with us.

We prayed and  lit a candle for you at the cemetery where your great grandparents were buried. We left the cemetery at around 6:00 in the evening and of course, I took your ashes with me.

We only stayed one night in the province but we had a nice time as we were able to spend some bonding moments with some of our relatives there.

Lolo and Lola with some relatives

That's your Kuya, wearing his trademark Beatles shirt playing music with a distant cousin.

There's Daddy having a chat with a relative's husband during our visit to one of our relatives' resting place.  Your urn was inside that pink bag.

Here I am with Kuya in front of the town church

And here I am with Daddy.

And here are some of the sceneries I enjoyed while traveling to and from our town.

I am happy that I was able to take this road trip with you by my side.

I miss you sweet baby Sofie and I love you very much.


Love always with lots of flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Twelfth Letter to Sofia

My dear sweet Sofie,

We celebrated your fifth month last Friday.  It was a non-working holiday so Daddy, Kuya and I were free to celebrate it any way we wanted.  And this time, we decided to go to Tagaytay.  This is Mommy's favorite place.  I've been there so many times since I was in sixth grade but I am still fascinated with the beauty of the place.  How I wish we could take you there so you could see the small volcano in the middle of the lake!  Mommy can spend hours just staring at it and will  never get tired.  If you were anything like me, I know it could have easily become your favorite place too.  I love this place so much that Daddy and I decided to hold our wedding in this town.

Tagaytay is only less than two hours drive from where we live if traffic is not so heavy. So, whenever there's time and budget, we usually go there to eat and enjoy the cooler climate. Last Friday, however, being a non-working holiday, the traffic was especially heavy so our stomachs could not wait until we got there to eat our lunch.  We had lunch instead  at a fast food more than a couple of towns away from Tagaytay.  We just had dessert at the Taal Vista Hotel where we bought you the pretty Hello Kitty cupcake.

For ourselves, we ordered tea and two orders of this delicious strawberry cheesecake.

My dear Sofie, I miss you so much!  Lately, I have been seeing a lot of baby girls and they all remind me of you and what I have lost.  I know I haven't lost you and I never will but what I've lost is the opportunity to dress you up in pinks and yellows, to buy you the hair accessories I have always planned on buying for you, to play with you, dance with you and sing with you, to tickle you and laugh with you, to share secrets with you when you're older, and all the things that moms and daughters do together.  These are the things I have lost and they are a lot.  Most of all, I have lost the chance to get to know the beautiful and wonderful creature that you are.

I love you so much!!!

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Eleventh Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

It's Saturday but I'm in school.  Kuya and I have to be here because it's an exam day.  Kuya is taking his exams and I have to be here because my students are taking their exam in my subject today.  Right now, I am sitting in the faculty room thinking of you and how much I love and miss you.  It's almost October, and part of me does not want the time to go by so fast because I do not want the time when I had you here with me to be far away from the present.  In just two months, it will already be a year since you were conceived.  And that fact does not help at all.  It is hard to think about but I like thinking about you.  It makes me sad and yet it makes me happy.

I hope you can see Mommy, Daddy and Kuya because I don't want you to forget us ever.

We love you.  I love you best.  I love you always.

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Tenth Letter to Sofia

My dearest Sofia,

Kuya turned 16 last week.  We had the celebration two days before his birthday in a pizza restaurant. You might have noticed now that Kuya loves pizza.  So on his celebration we had pizza, pasta, chicken and salad (for Mommy).

I would have loved for you and Kuya to get to know each other.  You would have loved being with him.  I think he would have made you laugh with his silly antics and he would have made you smile with his music. I wanted him to have you  because I know that I won't live forever.  I guess he still has you, just not in the way I wanted him to.

This is your family.

Mommy, Daddy and Kuya

You were with me that day.  You are with me today.  You will always be with me, dear Sofie.

I love you forever.

Mommy

Eighth Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

I went back to work yesterday. I was a little early and there were only few teachers in the faculty room when I arrived. They asked how I was and I said I was okay. They didn't ask more but I knew they were curious about you, about why you were born so early. I felt that they thought it would be better to just keep silent because maybe they thought that you were a delicate topic and that they didn't want to upset me by bringing you up. However, it was their silence that upset me. As minutes passed and as more teachers came in, none of them had the good sense of asking me about you and I felt like crying. I wanted them to ask me about you. I wanted them to know you were born, that I saw you and I kissed you and that you were real. I wanted them to remember you ARE real.

To me, their silence meant that they were pretending nothing happened just to avoid a delicate topic. And it hurt me. It hurt me that I could not validate your existence. I knew that had you been here still, they would have asked me about you, about my birth experience. I knew that the atmosphere would have been different, that the room would not have been as quiet. Because that is the normal thing that happens when a new mom goes back to work. But I don't see why it should be different with me. I don't see why it should be different with you.  You are my child, my sweet baby and no matter how short your stay was here on earth, your short life, was and is still a cause of great joy and celebration for me and for your dad. And I wish more people knew that. I wish more people knew that asking about me about you would not upset me but would actually make me happy. I wish more people knew that asking me about you would probably bring tears to my eyes but they would be tears of joy because I would know that they remembered you. I wish more people knew that talking about you gives me great joy.

It was a very difficult morning for me but today was much better.

My dear Sofie, I love you so much! I miss you so much! And I'm so proud of you!!!

Love always and lots of flying kisses,
Mommy

Seventh Letter to Sofia

My dear sweet Sofie, 

It's been two months and four days since you went to Heaven.  We celebrated the day you earned your wings last Thursday.  I bought a cake for you which your dad, Kuya, Lolo and I shared after dinner. Lola was not able to partake of it because she was with your cousin Emilio.

It's been over two months.  The tears come less often now but it doesn't mean that I have forgotten you.  I still want you here with me.  I want you to be here with me so much! I want to be with you in Heaven but not yet.  I still have a lot to do here.  I still have to give your Dad a strong, normal and healthy baby, hopefully, a baby girl who looks like me.  And I still have to watch her grow up and teach her things, things that I have always wanted to teach you but never had a chance to. I still have to teach her how to be a decent human being.  I still have to see her and your Kuya graduate from college and have good stable jobs, happy in their chosen vocations before I could go to you in Heaven.  Your dad and I still have to celebrate at least our thirty-fifth wedding anniversary because I promised him we would grow old together.  Someday, I promise we would be together forever. Someday when I am sure everyone I love are doing fine and great here on Earth, I will go to be with you.  It may seem like a long time but hopefully, the time in Heaven is different. Hopefully, the years on earth seem just like days in Heaven.  That way, you won't have to wait too long.    

I love you my darling.  So much!  I miss you every day and there's not a day I didn't wish you were in my arms! I carry you in my heart, always!

All my love and flying kisses,

Mommy