Sixteenth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

Merry Christmas and happy 8th month in Heaven.

I miss you specially last night and today.  There were times when I couldn't help but cry. It was hard to wrap presents without thinking that I should have been wrapping something for you had you been here with us.

We offered mass for you today.  I prayed to God to kiss you and your siblings for me.

Then, we went to watch Star Wars because your Dad and Kuya wanted to watch it so badly even on Christmas Day. While waiting for the movie to start, we celebrated your 8th month in Heaven with my new favorite chocolate cake from Mary Grace.  We were supposed to celebrate at home but there were no more seats in the earlier screenings.  We were able to get tickets for the 8:00 show and waiting till the movie ended and till we got back home would have been to late for such celebration.

I just got back home and it's actually 2:00 am of the 26th.  But since I haven't slept, for me, it still Christmas day and I just didn't want to go to sleep without letting you know that I had you in my thoughts all day....you and your siblings.  Kiss them and hug them for me.

I miss you so much, Sofie!  And  I love you... all three of you!

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Random Thoughts on the 23rd

It's the night of the 23rd and there's nothing I want to blog about except for a few random thoughts.

1. I am listening to Christmas music as I write this but I just can't seem to put myself in the mood for Christmas.  For some who read my Why Christmas Doesn't Feel the Same this Year post, I'm sure you understand what I mean.  It's the 23rd and the house is not decked for Christmas.  I wanted to decorate it, but I just couldn't get into that mood of decorating.  The garland I usually decorate the stairs with is missing and I didn't even try to look for it or to replace it with a new one.  I put the tree up just a week ago.  After hanging the last tree decor, I suddenly realized I have not sung at all.   I have been putting the tree up for twenty one years now and I always without fail unconsciously sing, "O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree" over and over even if those are the only words I know from the song and I just continue with "lalalalalala"  while decorating.  But this year, I was able to put up the tree without singing or humming any tune.  I hope next Christmas,  the joy will be rekindled in my heart.

2. I made a promise to a certain young lady that I will be making my Clairedori for her but due to my activities this December I have not yet started on the main notebook.  I have to make three, one for her and two more for two other young ladies whose moms are friends with hers and who are also both close to me.  So now you understand why I have to make two more.

3. I still can't get over the fact that the Miss Universe host made a mistake in calling the winner.  I am quite happy for our candidate who came out to be the real winner and quite sorry too for Miss Colombia who was decrowned only minutes after she was crowned.  But if it was me, I wouldn't have waited for Miss Universe 2014 to remove the crown from my head.  Someone taking the crown off my head is what will make it more embarrassing for me.  I would have taken it off  myself and placed it on the real winner's head, hugged her and congratulated her.   That's what I was thinking all the while Miss Colombia and Miss Philippines were waiting for what seemed like an eternity.  But that's just me.  I mean different people would have different reactions given the circumstances.

4. I have a few more gifts to buy and a few more to wrap and it's very stressful for me.  The Christmas rush is stressful enough without me having to go to the ladies room every ten minutes.  I have just had my shockwave two days ago and the procedure plus all the water and medicine I have to take are making me want to just live in the comfort of my own toilet for maybe a week.

5. I miss my dear Sofia so much! This should have been her first Christmas.  We should have been so happy and excited. All the preparations should have meant so much.  But now, thinking about what should have been, what could have been, I just feel so empty, so sad and so frustrated.

So these are my thoughts this night of the 23rd.  I hope I can find the time and the mood to write again in time for Christmas.


Enjoy the festivities!

Fifteenth Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

I just came home from a three-day retreat.  A retreat is when we leave everything to go to a quiet place usually close to nature and there we pray, reflect and listen to God.

In one of our first activities, we were asked to write the blessings that we received this 2015, all the things that gave us happiness. And there we also wrote all the things that made us sad.  This 2015, the happiest moments that I had mostly had something to do with you.  When I first saw your heart beating, I was so happy.  There was new life growing inside of me and nothing could beat that feeling of joy and hope mixed beautifully together. All those moments I heard your strong heartbeat gave me so much happiness.  I knew that you were there, growing, holding on until the time was right for us to meet face to face.

My lowest moment (and of course, your dad's) was when you left us to go back home to God.  I don't think I will ever be able to find the words to describe the mixed feeling of sadness, grief, disappointment, frustration, guilt, anger, and of lost hopes and dreams.

We were asked to fold our paper to a smaller size, to cup our hands and place the paper on our palms. The speaker said, "Close your eyes and feel the angels of God coming down from heaven.  They embrace you, they take your paper from your hands and offer it at the foot of the cross."  The moment she talked about angels coming down, I saw you and your two siblings.  I saw the three of you surrounding me.  It was so beautiful and my tears flowed down heavily from my eyes, down my cheeks, dripping down my chin and falling on my shirt.  My eyes were like an overflowing well.  My tears fell like they never did before because at that moment, I felt that I was with you...with all three of you.  I felt your presence and at that moment, my heart was full.

I miss you so much my sweet Sofie!   I think about you every day and I will never stop doing so. Tell your siblings I miss them too.  I love you all.


Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Three Years as Mr. and Mrs.

Hello friends!  I am back from a very exhausting journey outside the country.  I'm still contemplating whether or not I will tell you all about that.

But this, I'm sure I want everyone to know....

My Hunny Bed and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary on the 2nd of December.  He took me and Tootsieroll on a very quick trip outside the country and on the 2nd of December, right after landing at the airport, we drove directly to Tagaytay-- the charming little town where we got married three years ago.  We attended the late afternoon mass at Our Lady of Lourdes Church, the same church where we exchanged our vows. We booked the same  family suite where my parents, Toots and I slept  the night before the wedding.

My Hunny Bed and Tootsieroll in our suite

During dinner on the 2nd, a few hours after we came from the airport.  I looked so haggard!

my son, enjoying his chicken

I have always loved Tagaytay, and no matter how many times I have been there, and no matter how many times I have stared at the volcano and the lake that surrounds it, I still feel magic when I'm there. But this time, I didn't enjoy Tagaytay at all, I was just so exhausted... too exhausted.   I guess it was wrong to have gone out of the country too close to our anniversary.

I wanted to get Starbucks coffee with my Hunnybed on the night of the 2nd (just like we did on our second night as husband and wife)

first Starbucks coffee with my husband (December 3, 2012)

but I was just too tired.


I have always wanted to see the first rays of morning on the lake again just like on our first dawn as Mr. and Mrs.

first dawn as Mr. and Mrs. (December 3, 3012)

but I was too tired I forgot all about it. 

Even the cold breezy December night that Tagaytay is famous for and the reason many Filipinos flock to Tagaytay at this time of the year, failed to put a smile on my face.  If anything, it just made me feel uncomfortable.  I just wanted to escape it all and sleep.

It just wasn't right to be in my favorite place, with two of my most favorite people, on my favorite date, and not feel anything except exhaustion and the need for sleep.

Sad to say, that our 3rd anniversary was a happy occasion but it  didn't make me feel the way I wanted to feel.

Oh well....with God's grace and loving mercy, I'm sure there are still a lot of wedding anniversaries in store for us.  It's just so sad that I waited for a whole year for it, with joyful anticipation and it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be.  And now I have to wait for another year. :(

Thank you, God for giving me a loving man who always tries his best to make me happy!  I want to have a lovely date with my husband soon.