Ninth Letter to Sofia

My dearest Sofie,

Last Saturday was your third month in Heaven.  Once again, we celebrated it with chocolate cake.  I hope you saw us as we all partook of it.  Dad and I prayed the Rosary for you that night, like we do, several times a week.  I always think of you.  But sometimes, when I am in public, I try to  control my thoughts and I don't allow myself to think too much or too long because whenever I think too much or too long, I end up crying.

It hurts me that had things been different, I would have been so excited now.  Daddy, Mommy and Kuya would have been busy preparing for your birth.  You were supposed to be born two weeks from now.  I would have been surrounded with pink baby clothes and pink toys for you.  I miss you so much!  My only comfort is that I know that you will never know  physical pain, you will never know fear, you will never know sadness, loneliness or rejection.  Your heart will never be broken.   You will never know ugliness and darkness.  The only thing that you know and will ever know is complete happiness because now you are in Heaven. Now, you are in God's arms where He kisses you every day because I ask Him to do it for me every morning.  You are and will always  be carefree and happy. You are and will always be surrounded with nothing but beauty and love.  Because of this, I am sad and happy at the same time.

I love you, Sofie and I miss you so much.  I think about you every day.  I love you with every beat of my heart.

Love always,

Mommy

Clairedori

Having a new angel baby brought back my love for crafts.  Crafting has become something like a therapy for my broken heart.  I have fallen in love with Midori style notebooks lately and have recently made my own DIY's.  Here are some of my creations....

Presenting my Clairedori travellers notebooks.

I use the bigger one as my journal and planner.  The smaller one is a passport size Clairedori and I plan to use it the next time I travel.

I made this denim one for my friend who is celebrating her birthday tomorrow.

These are the two notebooks I included in the denim Clairedori

This is the birthday girl, Ibee, holding her notebook.

I plan on making more crafts and maybe opening up my own Etsy shop. :)

Eighth Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

I went back to work yesterday. I was a little early and there were only few teachers in the faculty room when I arrived. They asked how I was and I said I was okay. They didn't ask more but I knew they were curious about you, about why you were born so early. I felt that they thought it would be better to just keep silent because maybe they thought that you were a delicate topic and that they didn't want to upset me by bringing you up. However, it was their silence that upset me. As minutes passed and as more teachers came in, none of them had the good sense of asking me about you and I felt like crying. I wanted them to ask me about you. I wanted them to know you were born, that I saw you and I kissed you and that you were real. I wanted them to remember you ARE real.

To me, their silence meant that they were pretending nothing happened just to avoid a delicate topic. And it hurt me. It hurt me that I could not validate your existence. I knew that had you been here still, they would have asked me about you, about my birth experience. I knew that the atmosphere would have been different, that the room would not have been as quiet. Because that is the normal thing that happens when a new mom goes back to work. But I don't see why it should be different with me. I don't see why it should be different with you.  You are my child, my sweet baby and no matter how short your stay was here on earth, your short life, was and is still a cause of great joy and celebration for me and for your dad. And I wish more people knew that. I wish more people knew that asking about me about you would not upset me but would actually make me happy. I wish more people knew that asking me about you would probably bring tears to my eyes but they would be tears of joy because I would know that they remembered you. I wish more people knew that talking about you gives me great joy.

It was a very difficult morning for me but today was much better.

My dear Sofie, I love you so much! I miss you so much! And I'm so proud of you!!!

Love always and lots of flying kisses,
Mommy

Gone Too Soon

I am in a much better place now than where I was two months ago.  I am still grieving...I guess, I will never truly stop doing so for my baby Sofie. I still cry every day.  But I have found the strength to smile again.  

Within the past weeks, I have dealt with my grief the only way I knew how and that is by buying her flowers, writing her letters, praying for her, talking to her in my prayers,  talking about her with Ruel, her dad, and  listening to Daughtry's Gone Too Soon, which eventually inspired me to make a video about her short life.  I wanted to share that video with you but my students sometimes come here and I don't want them to sort of trivialize her short life and her very person by talking about her among themselves.  Children have a way of trivializing things and I just don't want them to do that to Sofia because Sofia, tiny though she was, is to me, a big and a very important part of my life.

So let me just share with you the song that reminds me and my husband of our dear Sofia.  I searched YouTube and found this video.  This will have to do for today.  I hope you enjoy the song.