A month and two weeks after our Sofia earned her wings, I am now in a better place than I where I was some weeks ago when I walked like a zombie all day. I am still in that stage where I have yet to accept what is. My mind and my heart are just filled with questions.
Some of these questions can be possibly answered by science. Sofia's cytogenetics tests results revealed that everything was normal with her chromosomes. The examination of my placenta also revealed that she had a normal number of vessels in her umbilical chord. And besides, I've read that not having the normal three vessels usually do not cause any problems for babies except for the fact that their growth should be closely monitored while in the womb. So, what really caused my angel's hydrops? It's probably from an infection. I still have to undergo some tests to find out which infection I had caught during my pregnancy which led to my dear Sofia getting sick.
And then there are other questions that are more difficult to to answer. Questions that I may never find the answers to, questions that I have been asking myself from the moment I learned that she was no longer with us. And the most important question of all is, WHY?
Why did God allow my baby to have hydrops?
Why did He not answer our prayers, when I have spent almost all my waking hours for three weeks praying and expecting Him to heal our baby and to complete our joy by giving her to us normal and healthy?
And was that really His plan all along? Was it His plan for Sofia to live for only 23 and 1/7 weeks in my womb and for only one hour and 28 minutes outside? Was that why He allowed the hydrops to develop so severely that it took her life away?
Or could I have prevented it by being more careful?
Would we have been able to save her if I followed my instincts and had an ultrasound earlier than the scheduled 20 week gender scan?
Would we have been able to save her if we had gone to another doctor earlier than we had?
Because if it was His plan for Sofia to live for only a few months in my womb, it would be easier for me to accept. But if that wasn't His plan when He gave her to us in the moment of conception, and I just caught something due to my carelessness, if I could have prevented the infection by being more careful, or if she could have gotten well if we had only gone to the right doctor earlier, that is something that I would probably never be able to accept.
And then there are other questions that probably only her dad, I and her brother would be wondering about. I saw a part of her skin which wasn't affected by the hydrops and they were as fair as mine. But that's the only thing that I know about my darling Sofie. There are others things I would have enjoyed knowing:
What was the color of her eyes? Were they darker than mine, same as mine or lighter than mine?
Would she have been born with thick curly hair just like I was if only I delivered her full term?
Would she have been the spitting image of me, just as I've always dreamed my daughter to be? Or would she have been a delicate and lovely blend of my features and her dad's?
Would she have grown up being good in languages like me and good in math like her dad?
Would she have been good in music like her brother, grandpa and great grandpa?
Would she have been able to sing beautifully like I dreamed she would be?
Would she have loved dancing and acting as much as I did?
Would she have loved the bright lights of the stage just as much as I did or would she have been like her dad who's shy and who's more of a spectator than a performer?
Would she have graduated with honors? Although I realized when I learned that she had hydrops, that good grades weren't important to me that I just wanted her to be alive and healthy.
Would she have become a lawyer just like I once dreamed I would be? Or would she have become an engineer like her dad?
Or would she have become a great doctor who would NEVER tell a patient that a cure was impossible because she was living proof of God's mercy and healing?
These questions will forever haunt me. I just pray that one day, I would finally accept what is, without ever forgetting her face as she was being shown to me or how her skin felt like when I kissed her and rubbed my cheek against hers, without ever forgetting the joy we felt during those short 23 and 1/7 weeks, without ever losing the love my husband and I have for her, and without ever forgetting the reality that was her. Because contrary to what others may believe, she wasn't a failed pregnancy. She was real. She existed. She was, is and forever will be my darling baby, Sofia Marie.