Seventh Letter to Sofia

My dear sweet Sofie, 

It's been two months and four days since you went to Heaven.  We celebrated the day you earned your wings last Thursday.  I bought a cake for you which your dad, Kuya, Lolo and I shared after dinner. Lola was not able to partake of it because she was with your cousin Emilio.

It's been over two months.  The tears come less often now but it doesn't mean that I have forgotten you.  I still want you here with me.  I want you to be here with me so much! I want to be with you in Heaven but not yet.  I still have a lot to do here.  I still have to give your Dad a strong, normal and healthy baby, hopefully, a baby girl who looks like me.  And I still have to watch her grow up and teach her things, things that I have always wanted to teach you but never had a chance to. I still have to teach her how to be a decent human being.  I still have to see her and your Kuya graduate from college and have good stable jobs, happy in their chosen vocations before I could go to you in Heaven.  Your dad and I still have to celebrate at least our thirty-fifth wedding anniversary because I promised him we would grow old together.  Someday, I promise we would be together forever. Someday when I am sure everyone I love are doing fine and great here on Earth, I will go to be with you.  It may seem like a long time but hopefully, the time in Heaven is different. Hopefully, the years on earth seem just like days in Heaven.  That way, you won't have to wait too long.    

I love you my darling.  So much!  I miss you every day and there's not a day I didn't wish you were in my arms! I carry you in my heart, always!

All my love and flying kisses,

Mommy 

Sixth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

It was Daddy's birthday two Fridays ago. We celebrated it at home on the day itself  with a simple dinner of spaghetti, barbeque and cake.  Your Aunt Candy, Uncle Manuel and cousin Mio were here with Lolo and Lola. The following Sunday, we celebrated again, this time in a restaurant with your grandparents in Daddy's side, together with her sister's family and Uncle Richard.

Every birthday is a cause for celebration of life and blessings.  I was happy because except for Daddy's slight gout attack that day, Daddy was healthy and strong.  But I was also sad because I wanted to celebrate it with you still inside me.  The celebration would have been complete.  Instead,  I woke up sad knowing that you were no longer physically with us.  Daddy's birthday would have been a lot happier and special had you still been in my womb.  He didn't say anything about it but I knew it was what he was thinking because you were his joy and mine.  Daddy always kissed my tummy when you were still there and he would often talk to you and sing you songs.  How I miss the joy we felt then!

Now, all I feel is emptiness, sadness and longing for you, my sweet baby.  I try so hard to forget by watching comedy series like Monk and Psych on DVD.  I also play games and read books.  But in between the DVD marathons and playing and reading, the same feelings darken my days.  I wake up sad and fall asleep with the same sadness and longing.

I hope it is true that you can see everything that happens in our family.  I hope you can see me and Daddy and Kuya  and that you are slowly getting to know us day by day.  I feel sad that you never got to know me and I never got to really know you.  Maybe someday when we get to see you again in Heaven, we would be able to get that chance.  Right now, I must be content with my hope that you are watching us and getting to know us.  And that you can see how dearly loved you are.

I love you, my sweet Sofie.

A hundred flying kisses to you in Heaven,
Mommy

Questions

A month and two weeks after our Sofia earned her wings, I am now in a better place than I where I was some weeks ago when I walked like a zombie all day.  I am still in that stage where I have yet to accept what is.  My mind and my heart are just filled with questions.

Some of these questions can be possibly answered by science.  Sofia's cytogenetics tests results revealed that everything was normal with her chromosomes.  The examination of my placenta also revealed that she had a normal number of vessels in her umbilical chord.  And besides, I've read that not having the normal three vessels usually do not cause any problems for babies except for the fact that their growth should be closely monitored while in the womb. So, what really caused my angel's hydrops? It's probably from an infection.  I still have to undergo some tests to find out which infection I had caught during my pregnancy which led to my dear Sofia getting sick.

And then there are other questions that are more difficult to to answer.  Questions that I may never find the answers to, questions that I  have been asking myself from the moment I learned that she was no longer with us.  And the most important question of all is, WHY?  

Why did God allow my baby to have hydrops?  
Why did He not answer our prayers, when I have spent almost all my waking hours for three weeks praying and expecting Him to heal our baby and to complete our joy by giving her to us normal and healthy?  

And was that really His plan all along?  Was it His plan for Sofia to live for only 23 and 1/7 weeks in my womb and for only one hour and 28 minutes outside?  Was that why He allowed the hydrops to develop so severely that it took her life away?  

Or could I have prevented it by being more careful? 
Would we have been able to save her if I followed my instincts and had an ultrasound earlier than the scheduled 20 week gender scan?
Would we have been able to save her if we had gone to another doctor earlier than we had?

Because if it was His plan for Sofia to live for only a few months in my womb, it would be easier for me to accept.  But if that wasn't His plan when He gave her to us in the moment of conception, and I just caught something due to my carelessness, if I could have prevented the infection by being more careful, or if she could have gotten well if we had only gone to the right doctor earlier, that is something that I would probably never be able to accept.

And then there are other questions that probably only her dad, I and her brother would be wondering about. I saw a part of her skin which wasn't affected by the hydrops and  they were as fair as mine. But that's the only thing that I know about my darling Sofie.  There are others things I would have enjoyed knowing:

What was the color of her eyes? Were they darker than mine, same as mine or lighter than mine?
Would she have been born with thick curly hair just like I was if only I delivered her full term?
Would she have been the spitting image of me, just as I've always dreamed my daughter to be? Or would she have been a delicate and lovely blend of my features and her dad's?
Would she have grown up being good in languages like me and good in math like her dad?  
Would she have been good in music like her brother, grandpa and great grandpa?
Would she have been able to sing beautifully like I dreamed she would be?
Would she have loved dancing and acting as much as I did?  
Would she have loved the bright lights of the stage just as much as I did or would she have been like her dad who's shy and who's more of a spectator than a performer?
Would she have graduated with honors? Although I realized when I learned that she had hydrops, that good grades weren't important to me that I just wanted her to be alive and healthy.
Would she have become a lawyer just like I once dreamed I would be?  Or would she have become an engineer like her dad? 
Or would she have become a great doctor who would NEVER tell a patient that a cure was impossible because she was living proof of God's mercy and healing?

These questions will forever haunt me.  I just pray that one day, I would finally accept what is, without ever forgetting her face as she was being shown to me or how her skin felt like when I kissed her and rubbed my cheek against hers, without ever forgetting the joy we felt during those short 23 and 1/7 weeks, without ever losing the love my husband and I have for her, and without ever forgetting the reality that was her.  Because contrary to what others may believe, she wasn't a failed pregnancy. She was real.  She existed.  She was, is and forever will be my darling baby, Sofia Marie.

Fifth Letter to Sofie

Dearest Sofia,

Today, I caught myself humming a tune in the bathroom. I literally stopped when I realized it. Are you happy for me, baby? Don't worry, even if Mommy can sing again, it doesn't mean that she has forgotten all about you. No, you are always in my thoughts, in my heart.  You are the first thing that enters my mind in the morning and the last that I think about when I go to sleep at night.  I will carry you in my heart as long as I live, until we meet again. The fact that I can hum again simply means that I am slowly regaining my strength to live and to continue with life, for Kuya's sake and for Daddy's too. They need me too and I wouldn't be any fun or wouldn't be of any use to them if I continued to walk like a zombie just as I have done for the past month.  My life is sad because you're not here with us.....with me, but I have happy moments because Kuya and Daddy are here with me.  And hopefully, soon, I will have a normal and healthy baby girl, not to replace you, never to replace you my darling Sofie...but only to have another baby to love here on earth, and only for your kuya to have someone to look after, to love, and to love him back, and only for Daddy to have someone he can truly call his own here on earth.

We celebrated your forty days in heaven yesterday. Mommy and Daddy offered a Mass for you and we all attended it, Mommy, Daddy, Kuya, Lolo, and Lola . We had a simple dinner celebration after that at home.

Please continue praying for our family. Help us be good so we can all join you one day in heaven.

I love you very much, my darling Sofie.  You are always in my heart.

Flying kisses to heaven and lots of flying hugs too.

Love always,
Mommy