Twenty-seventh Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

It has been so long since I last wrote you a letter here. I have one in my laptop which I have never been able to post. I have been very lazy to blog although I am never lazy to think of you. Your dad and I think about you every day. We talk about you every day too. We imagine conversations with you with funny made up dialogues. We love thinking about you although I most of the time end up crying afterwards. I still blame myself in a way.

We placed your cremains in a nice resting place at the Immaculate Conceptuon Carhedral and we visit it every week right after (or sometimes) before Mass. I like bringing you my favorite flowers of carnation, stargazer and gerbera. You actually had the prettiest basket of flowers last All Soul's Day.

Your Kuya, dad and I are moving to a new home in a new city. It's probably around 8km away from your reating place. We will still visit every week.

I have to go back to packing now. We move on Saturday morning. I hope that the new home will be good for us.

I love you always, Sofie!

Flying hugs and kisses to heaven,
Mommy

Twenty-sixth Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

It has been three years since I gave birth to you, three years since I last saw your face, three years since the first and last time I kissed you. Yesterday was your birthday and the anniversary of your passing. We still miss you a lot. I still think of you every day. Daddy and I talk about you all the time, imagining your antics and your reactions to certain things and situations. We imagined how different your birthday would have been this year. We said that maybe you would have wanted to spend the day at the Manila Ocean Park, that you would have been so noisy and excited at the back of the car.



Instead, Daddy and I spent the day shopping for presents for you which we would give to a needy little girl in your name. We had a quiet dinner with your Kuya, Lola and Lolo and your cousin Emilio and his parents.

I wish I could bring back the day I gave birth to you and kiss you one more time. I miss you so much! I love you always.


Flying kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Twenty-fifth Letter to Sofie

My dearest Sofie,

It's been a long time since I last wrote you a letter. I have been very busy this school year. I have actually been neglecting this blog too. Anyway, that doesn't mean that Mommy is too busy to think of you. That's very far from the truth. I still think of you every day, and I know I will continue doing so for the rest of my life. Daddy and I always talk about you, and wonder what kind of personality you have. We always argue about who you look like. I just know you look like me! But Daddy keeps insisting that you look like him. 😁

I have been trying to paint lately, whenever time permits and I can't help thinking that had you been here with us, you would be painting some pictures beside me. And you would probably even tell your daddy that it was you who made my paintings! 😊Life would have been so different with you here! So much happier with the sounds of your giggles and shrieks, the sound of little feet running around the house and maybe even the sound of you whining because Kuya doesn't want to play with you. These are the sounds I would never know but will forever wish to know.

Your daddy said he would have called you his little monkey because you would always be hanging around his neck. What I am sure of is that Mommy would have been so proud to be seen with you because you would have been the most beautiful little girl anyone has ever seen.

I love you so, Sofie!

I miss you.

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Twenty-fourth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

I wasn't able to write to you on your birthday and I am so sorry for that! Although I know that my greetings have reached you in Heaven I still feel bad that I was not able to write you a letter. You see, Mommy sees this blog as some kind of portal through which she can send her letters to Heaven.

The month of April was a very busy month for your mom. You should know that your mom can do a lot of things so most of the time people ask her help for different things. I really wish you got to know me, Sofie. I think you would have been proud of your mom. :)

Anyway, I was planning to be absent on your birthday so that we could celebrate properly. But  I was asked to write and direct a play and the play was shown on your birthday. I could not be absent because there was no one else to do the work I had to do.

We had a simple dinner celebration at Contis'. Your grandparents on my side were there to celebrate with us. For your birthday cake, I ordered chocolate velvet but I had already sliced the cake before I remembered that I had not yet taken a picture of it.

We may not have been able to celebrate  your birthday the way I wanted to but I know you had a blast in Heaven.

Remember that Daddy and I think and talk about you all the time.  We miss you so!


I love you, dear Sofie!

Happy 2nd year in Heaven!

Hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Twenty-third Letter to Sofia

My darling Sofia,

You'll be turning two in a couple of weeks.  Even though you are in Heaven I am still excited to celebrate your birthday.  I want it to be special just like last year because you are special and I want
people to know that you matter.

Daddy and I always talk about you.  Sometimes he talks about his plans for you as if you were still around to make his plans come true.   Most of the time, he smells my ears and imagines it's your ears he's smelling.  It's weird, I know.  But in a way, it makes him a little happier.

It's been almost two years but until now I do not understand what happened.  I still don't understand why you were taken from us so soon.  I still don't understand why God gave me a gift He never meant for me to open.  And the sad thing is that I don't think I will ever understand.  Daddy mentioned the other day how you sighed in his arms and I realized that I never even felt you breathe.  It makes me so sad that I never even really felt you except for that time I rubbed my cheek against yours  and kissed you.   Knowing that that memory is slowly fading with time makes me even sadder.  I want so much to remember how your skin felt against mine but the remembrance of it is slowly fading away.

Despite the fact that it's getting harder for me to remember how your skin felt like, I want you to always remember that you will never be forgotten.  You will always be remembered.  You will always be loved, my sweet baby girl.  Mommy will always keep you in her heart.

I love you always, Sofie!  Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven...

Love,
Mommy

Twenty-first Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

It's been quite a while since you last received a letter from me.  You know that's a good sign, don't you? That means Mommy doesn't need to write letters to feel better as much as she did before.  But although I feel so much better now, you should know that Daddy and Mommy still think and talk about you every day. We always talk about you, and try to guess what kind of personality you have.  We think about how you would react if we did certain things.  We wonder about who you look like and we actually always argue about that.  Daddy thinks you look like him but I keep insisting that you look a lot like me.  

Mommy is not yet pregnant so please help me ask for a healthy and normal baby girl from God, ok? I just need another baby to love and take care of.  Kuya needs someone he can be with in the far away future when Mommy is gone and Daddy needs someone who will love him the way little girls love their daddies.  She will never replace you.  Nobody can.  

I hope to see you in my dreams, my sweet Sofia.

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Twentieth Letter to Sofia

Dear Sofie,

I have been pretty busy these past couple of weeks.  Mostly because I have been experimenting on some crafts and artworks.  Your mom has been learning how to paint with watercolors.  I'm not really good at it, but I am proud of my work.

I made this card for your Dad.  It was his birthday last week.  I also gave him a bottle of perfume which he didn't particularly like :( and a gift certificate to facial and diamond peel.

And here are some things I've sewn for my growing business.

I started sewing a year ago some two months after you went home to Heaven. I was so devastated back then and even thought I would never smile or hum a tune again.  One day I found something on the net called traveler's notebook and I thought that making it would be a good diversion for me. Sewing my first notebooks and writing letters to you have done so much for me.  I can't say I am completely healed because there is a big hole in my heart that will never heal until I finally have you in my arms.   But at least, the notebooks and the letters I write have helped me cope with my grief.

I have also sewn a laptop sleeve, a tote bag and I'm happy I have found a productive way to spend my spare time. But you know what?  I'd rather have no spare time just as long as I get to spend my time with you and Kuya together.  But that's impossible now, my only wish is for you to ask God to give me another baby girl, a healthy, normal and strong baby girl not to replace you but just to be bring cheer, joy and love to our days here on earth. Can you do that for me little one?

I love you dear Sofie.  And I miss you.

Love always and lots of flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Seventeenth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

Happy ninth month in Heaven sweet baby!  As I sit here, waiting for your daddy to bring home your cake, I wonder how you are, what you look like right now.   I wonder if you stayed the same tiny baby that I gave birth to nine months ago or if Heaven lets babies grow into little children and that you are bigger now, crawling perhaps in the garden of the Lord.  I wonder who is bigger, you or your two other siblings who returned to Heaven when they were only weeks old.

I wonder if you look at me and if you're proud of what you see... because I am not, I am not proud of myself, of the kind of mother I am.  But I promise you sweet, Sofie, that I will try my best to be the best mom I can be to your Kuya and to the healthy and normal baby sister (or brother) that I hope is now growing inside me.

I sit here and think how much I miss you and how much I will always miss you for the rest of my life, that even if your dad and I will be blessed with a baby we can raise and see grow up to maturity, we will never forget you.  We will always miss you.  And we will always celebrate your short life the way that we do today, because we love you and we always will.

Lots of flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Sixteenth Letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

Merry Christmas and happy 8th month in Heaven.

I miss you specially last night and today.  There were times when I couldn't help but cry. It was hard to wrap presents without thinking that I should have been wrapping something for you had you been here with us.

We offered mass for you today.  I prayed to God to kiss you and your siblings for me.

Then, we went to watch Star Wars because your Dad and Kuya wanted to watch it so badly even on Christmas Day. While waiting for the movie to start, we celebrated your 8th month in Heaven with my new favorite chocolate cake from Mary Grace.  We were supposed to celebrate at home but there were no more seats in the earlier screenings.  We were able to get tickets for the 8:00 show and waiting till the movie ended and till we got back home would have been to late for such celebration.

I just got back home and it's actually 2:00 am of the 26th.  But since I haven't slept, for me, it still Christmas day and I just didn't want to go to sleep without letting you know that I had you in my thoughts all day....you and your siblings.  Kiss them and hug them for me.

I miss you so much, Sofie!  And  I love you... all three of you!

Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,
Mommy

Fifteenth Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

I just came home from a three-day retreat.  A retreat is when we leave everything to go to a quiet place usually close to nature and there we pray, reflect and listen to God.

In one of our first activities, we were asked to write the blessings that we received this 2015, all the things that gave us happiness. And there we also wrote all the things that made us sad.  This 2015, the happiest moments that I had mostly had something to do with you.  When I first saw your heart beating, I was so happy.  There was new life growing inside of me and nothing could beat that feeling of joy and hope mixed beautifully together. All those moments I heard your strong heartbeat gave me so much happiness.  I knew that you were there, growing, holding on until the time was right for us to meet face to face.

My lowest moment (and of course, your dad's) was when you left us to go back home to God.  I don't think I will ever be able to find the words to describe the mixed feeling of sadness, grief, disappointment, frustration, guilt, anger, and of lost hopes and dreams.

We were asked to fold our paper to a smaller size, to cup our hands and place the paper on our palms. The speaker said, "Close your eyes and feel the angels of God coming down from heaven.  They embrace you, they take your paper from your hands and offer it at the foot of the cross."  The moment she talked about angels coming down, I saw you and your two siblings.  I saw the three of you surrounding me.  It was so beautiful and my tears flowed down heavily from my eyes, down my cheeks, dripping down my chin and falling on my shirt.  My eyes were like an overflowing well.  My tears fell like they never did before because at that moment, I felt that I was with you...with all three of you.  I felt your presence and at that moment, my heart was full.

I miss you so much my sweet Sofie!   I think about you every day and I will never stop doing so. Tell your siblings I miss them too.  I love you all.


Flying hugs and kisses to Heaven,

Mommy

Eighth Letter to Sofia

My dear Sofie,

I went back to work yesterday. I was a little early and there were only few teachers in the faculty room when I arrived. They asked how I was and I said I was okay. They didn't ask more but I knew they were curious about you, about why you were born so early. I felt that they thought it would be better to just keep silent because maybe they thought that you were a delicate topic and that they didn't want to upset me by bringing you up. However, it was their silence that upset me. As minutes passed and as more teachers came in, none of them had the good sense of asking me about you and I felt like crying. I wanted them to ask me about you. I wanted them to know you were born, that I saw you and I kissed you and that you were real. I wanted them to remember you ARE real.

To me, their silence meant that they were pretending nothing happened just to avoid a delicate topic. And it hurt me. It hurt me that I could not validate your existence. I knew that had you been here still, they would have asked me about you, about my birth experience. I knew that the atmosphere would have been different, that the room would not have been as quiet. Because that is the normal thing that happens when a new mom goes back to work. But I don't see why it should be different with me. I don't see why it should be different with you.  You are my child, my sweet baby and no matter how short your stay was here on earth, your short life, was and is still a cause of great joy and celebration for me and for your dad. And I wish more people knew that. I wish more people knew that asking about me about you would not upset me but would actually make me happy. I wish more people knew that asking me about you would probably bring tears to my eyes but they would be tears of joy because I would know that they remembered you. I wish more people knew that talking about you gives me great joy.

It was a very difficult morning for me but today was much better.

My dear Sofie, I love you so much! I miss you so much! And I'm so proud of you!!!

Love always and lots of flying kisses,
Mommy

Gone Too Soon

I am in a much better place now than where I was two months ago.  I am still grieving...I guess, I will never truly stop doing so for my baby Sofie. I still cry every day.  But I have found the strength to smile again.  

Within the past weeks, I have dealt with my grief the only way I knew how and that is by buying her flowers, writing her letters, praying for her, talking to her in my prayers,  talking about her with Ruel, her dad, and  listening to Daughtry's Gone Too Soon, which eventually inspired me to make a video about her short life.  I wanted to share that video with you but my students sometimes come here and I don't want them to sort of trivialize her short life and her very person by talking about her among themselves.  Children have a way of trivializing things and I just don't want them to do that to Sofia because Sofia, tiny though she was, is to me, a big and a very important part of my life.

So let me just share with you the song that reminds me and my husband of our dear Sofia.  I searched YouTube and found this video.  This will have to do for today.  I hope you enjoy the song.

Seventh Letter to Sofia

My dear sweet Sofie, 

It's been two months and four days since you went to Heaven.  We celebrated the day you earned your wings last Thursday.  I bought a cake for you which your dad, Kuya, Lolo and I shared after dinner. Lola was not able to partake of it because she was with your cousin Emilio.

It's been over two months.  The tears come less often now but it doesn't mean that I have forgotten you.  I still want you here with me.  I want you to be here with me so much! I want to be with you in Heaven but not yet.  I still have a lot to do here.  I still have to give your Dad a strong, normal and healthy baby, hopefully, a baby girl who looks like me.  And I still have to watch her grow up and teach her things, things that I have always wanted to teach you but never had a chance to. I still have to teach her how to be a decent human being.  I still have to see her and your Kuya graduate from college and have good stable jobs, happy in their chosen vocations before I could go to you in Heaven.  Your dad and I still have to celebrate at least our thirty-fifth wedding anniversary because I promised him we would grow old together.  Someday, I promise we would be together forever. Someday when I am sure everyone I love are doing fine and great here on Earth, I will go to be with you.  It may seem like a long time but hopefully, the time in Heaven is different. Hopefully, the years on earth seem just like days in Heaven.  That way, you won't have to wait too long.    

I love you my darling.  So much!  I miss you every day and there's not a day I didn't wish you were in my arms! I carry you in my heart, always!

All my love and flying kisses,

Mommy 

Questions

A month and two weeks after our Sofia earned her wings, I am now in a better place than I where I was some weeks ago when I walked like a zombie all day.  I am still in that stage where I have yet to accept what is.  My mind and my heart are just filled with questions.

Some of these questions can be possibly answered by science.  Sofia's cytogenetics tests results revealed that everything was normal with her chromosomes.  The examination of my placenta also revealed that she had a normal number of vessels in her umbilical chord.  And besides, I've read that not having the normal three vessels usually do not cause any problems for babies except for the fact that their growth should be closely monitored while in the womb. So, what really caused my angel's hydrops? It's probably from an infection.  I still have to undergo some tests to find out which infection I had caught during my pregnancy which led to my dear Sofia getting sick.

And then there are other questions that are more difficult to to answer.  Questions that I may never find the answers to, questions that I  have been asking myself from the moment I learned that she was no longer with us.  And the most important question of all is, WHY?  

Why did God allow my baby to have hydrops?  
Why did He not answer our prayers, when I have spent almost all my waking hours for three weeks praying and expecting Him to heal our baby and to complete our joy by giving her to us normal and healthy?  

And was that really His plan all along?  Was it His plan for Sofia to live for only 23 and 1/7 weeks in my womb and for only one hour and 28 minutes outside?  Was that why He allowed the hydrops to develop so severely that it took her life away?  

Or could I have prevented it by being more careful? 
Would we have been able to save her if I followed my instincts and had an ultrasound earlier than the scheduled 20 week gender scan?
Would we have been able to save her if we had gone to another doctor earlier than we had?

Because if it was His plan for Sofia to live for only a few months in my womb, it would be easier for me to accept.  But if that wasn't His plan when He gave her to us in the moment of conception, and I just caught something due to my carelessness, if I could have prevented the infection by being more careful, or if she could have gotten well if we had only gone to the right doctor earlier, that is something that I would probably never be able to accept.

And then there are other questions that probably only her dad, I and her brother would be wondering about. I saw a part of her skin which wasn't affected by the hydrops and  they were as fair as mine. But that's the only thing that I know about my darling Sofie.  There are others things I would have enjoyed knowing:

What was the color of her eyes? Were they darker than mine, same as mine or lighter than mine?
Would she have been born with thick curly hair just like I was if only I delivered her full term?
Would she have been the spitting image of me, just as I've always dreamed my daughter to be? Or would she have been a delicate and lovely blend of my features and her dad's?
Would she have grown up being good in languages like me and good in math like her dad?  
Would she have been good in music like her brother, grandpa and great grandpa?
Would she have been able to sing beautifully like I dreamed she would be?
Would she have loved dancing and acting as much as I did?  
Would she have loved the bright lights of the stage just as much as I did or would she have been like her dad who's shy and who's more of a spectator than a performer?
Would she have graduated with honors? Although I realized when I learned that she had hydrops, that good grades weren't important to me that I just wanted her to be alive and healthy.
Would she have become a lawyer just like I once dreamed I would be?  Or would she have become an engineer like her dad? 
Or would she have become a great doctor who would NEVER tell a patient that a cure was impossible because she was living proof of God's mercy and healing?

These questions will forever haunt me.  I just pray that one day, I would finally accept what is, without ever forgetting her face as she was being shown to me or how her skin felt like when I kissed her and rubbed my cheek against hers, without ever forgetting the joy we felt during those short 23 and 1/7 weeks, without ever losing the love my husband and I have for her, and without ever forgetting the reality that was her.  Because contrary to what others may believe, she wasn't a failed pregnancy. She was real.  She existed.  She was, is and forever will be my darling baby, Sofia Marie.

Fifth Letter to Sofie

Dearest Sofia,

Today, I caught myself humming a tune in the bathroom. I literally stopped when I realized it. Are you happy for me, baby? Don't worry, even if Mommy can sing again, it doesn't mean that she has forgotten all about you. No, you are always in my thoughts, in my heart.  You are the first thing that enters my mind in the morning and the last that I think about when I go to sleep at night.  I will carry you in my heart as long as I live, until we meet again. The fact that I can hum again simply means that I am slowly regaining my strength to live and to continue with life, for Kuya's sake and for Daddy's too. They need me too and I wouldn't be any fun or wouldn't be of any use to them if I continued to walk like a zombie just as I have done for the past month.  My life is sad because you're not here with us.....with me, but I have happy moments because Kuya and Daddy are here with me.  And hopefully, soon, I will have a normal and healthy baby girl, not to replace you, never to replace you my darling Sofie...but only to have another baby to love here on earth, and only for your kuya to have someone to look after, to love, and to love him back, and only for Daddy to have someone he can truly call his own here on earth.

We celebrated your forty days in heaven yesterday. Mommy and Daddy offered a Mass for you and we all attended it, Mommy, Daddy, Kuya, Lolo, and Lola . We had a simple dinner celebration after that at home.

Please continue praying for our family. Help us be good so we can all join you one day in heaven.

I love you very much, my darling Sofie.  You are always in my heart.

Flying kisses to heaven and lots of flying hugs too.

Love always,
Mommy

Fourth letter to Sofia

Dearest Sofie,

Happy one month in heaven, my darling.

One month ago yesterday, you were born and on the same day you grew your angel wings. We celebrated your one month in heaven with a sweet cake that Dad bought for you. It's a cake from Bizu, the patisserie where your dad took me on our first date.

I wanted to write this letter to you yesterday but Dad and I had an agreement that we wouldn't use the internet at night so that we could use the time to talk and enjoy each other's company. That's why when he turned off the wifi , I didn't complain or dare to turn it on again. After all, it was I who requested for that new house rule.

I know you're in a much happier place but still, there is no day when I didn't wish I could still hold you in my arms till you fell asleep, or that I could sing you a lullaby, or watch you smile in your sleep, or hear you sigh contentedly as you  drink Mommy's milk. How I love to experience these things with you.

Have you found your baby siblings there in heaven yet? I don't really know their genders but I would like to believe they were girls like you. Are you playing with them? I hope you enjoy your time together. Tell them Mommy loves them too.

As you sit on God's lap, can you ask God to keep our family safe on earth, specially Mommy, Daddy, Kuya?

I love you my dear sweet Sofie. There's nothing I want more than for you to be with me but it is no longer possible. I am asking God for another baby girl, healthy and normal this time so that she can live with us for a long time, just so I will be happy again.  I know there'll be times when I will still be sad knowing you're not here and that I will still miss you every day but at least if I had a little girl with me, at least I will be happy again. Can you please help me beg God?

You will always be special to Mommy, always missed, always loved. Nothing and nobody can change that.

Remember me always.

Lots of hugs and kisses,
Mommy

Dealing with my grief

For almost four weeks now I have mostly just stayed in bed. I do not find pleasure in anything. I do not enjoy any food. I do not crave for anything except for the strawberry cheesecake we bought from the coffee shop at the hospital during Sofia's last days in my womb. My husband asked me where I wanted to go and I couldn't think of any place where I wanted to go.  I just want to be with Sofie but I can't because I have a son who needs me.  The only thing that makes me laugh is a thirty minute portion of a local daily noontime television show. Most of my time is spent researching about the causes of non immune hydrops or reading survival stories of babies with hydrops. I am now a part of this facebook support group of mothers whose babies have hydrops . It is there where I find survival stories and wonder why the same miracle was not given to our baby.

I know most people would say that I need to move on or that life has to go on.  I know life has to go on and it will, eventually.  But I will live life without moving on because she will always be with me and I will always be missing a part of me and because of that life will never be the same.  What I need to do is to cope.  But right now, I just need to be in touch with my grief and that is what most people do not understand.

There was only one day when I became productive in a way.  It was when I decided to make a thank you card for my perinatologist and Sofie's pediatrician. Sofie's pedia had a kind and gentle manner. I know he handled my baby with kindness and gentleness.  His wife, my perinatologist was very thorough, and explained everything to us in layman's terms. But it was actually on the day of my emergency delivery when I fell in love with her. She was just part of a team of doctors that we were working with but when the attending ob told us on the phone that I had to have an emergency c-section, she left her clinic and brought me to the pre-labor room herself though I had my husband with me at the time and could have easily wheeled me to the pre-labor room himself.  She never left me in the pre-labor room, though there was an attending doctor inside.   She was there and she was the one who made sure I was given the meds I needed and that I was comfortable.   Her presence in the labor room gave me much needed comfort, although it didn't seem like it at the time.  When I told her I couldn't control my anxiety, she spoke reassuring words to me.  While I was enduring the terrible effect of magnesium sulfate, she ran her hand on my forehead just like a mother would, and that is something I will never forget. She is still young though maybe around my age or a year or two older. She stayed with me in the pre-labor room until my attending ob arrived.  That was when she left to go back to her other patients.   She was also the first doctor who arrived in the operating room where I continued to tell her of my anxiety and where she continued to calm my fears.   She gave special permission to my husband to enter the pre-labor room and see me, and when I was in the recovery room, she again gave special permission to him to do the same thing because she knew the emotional state I was in.   She was competent, sensitive, kind and compassionate.   Who wouldn't fall in love with a doctor like her? I don't care if she charges higher consultation fee, I guess that goes with the territory of being a high risk ob with a subspecialty in perinatology.   What matters most to me is how she treats her patients. I don't mind spending a couple hundred pesos more.

I bought a box of fruity muffins from Contis'  to go with the card and dropped both off at The Medical City. 

the thank you card I made with my scrapbooking supplies

Here's what the inside of the card looked like before I wrote my personal note to them.

I hope they enjoyed the muffins and that the thank you card inspired them and brought a smile to their lips. 

I found out that making something for those who were physically present during my ordeal and thanking them for the specific things they did for me is a good way of taking a break from my grief without totally distancing myself from it.

Third Letter to Sofie

 Dear Sofie,

I bought you some pink carnations yesterday. I know the flowers in heaven must be a lot prettier than the ones we have here but I hope you like the flowers I bought for you.  I love carnations.  I had them in my bouquet when I married your dad.

I know you are doing well in heaven and that you are happy.  Forgive me if I'm always sad.  It's just that I miss  you a lot.

I love you always.

Lots of hugs and kissses,
Mommy

Second Letter to Sofie

Dearest Sofie,

Last Sunday was Mother's Day.  Daddy gave me two boxes of my favorite chocolates.
We had a simple lunch celebration with you grandparents and cousins in your Dadddy's side and a simple early dinner celebration with your brother and  grandparents, aunt and cousin in my side. But what I wanted most was you back with me. It was a sad Mother's Day because I couldn't have what I wanted most.

Daddy has gone to work. While I watched him go to his car, I thought how different it would have been if you were here to wave goodbye to him every time he would go to work, how different it would have been for him if he had you here waiting for him every time he arrived home. His days (and mine) would have been a lot happier.

It would be wonderful if you can help us beg God to give us a healthy and normal baby girl who we can love and who can love us until such time we see you again in heaven.  Tell God to make Mommy healthy enough to make a beautiful, healthy and normal baby girl, to keep Daddy healthy and strong so he could provide for us and to keep Kuya healthy too so he can help us care for your baby sister when the right time comes.

I think of you every day.  I miss you every day. I love you wih every beat of my heart.

Remember me always.

Flying kisses to heaven.

Love always,
Mommy

Celebrating the Joys and Pains of Motherhood

Today is Mother's Day.

I celebrate the life of the first person who ever loved me, my mom. I know I haven't been the perfect daughter, far from it, in fact. But she has never stopped loving me, and worrying about me.

I celebrate the life of my son, my first born, the one I delivered fifteen years ago when life was a lot easier and simpler, when I was still immature and naive. I celebrate every kiss, every hug, each childhood antic,  all those book pages he tore and toys he destroyed when he was a tot.  I celebrate the songs he sang when he was a child, the times he danced.  I celebrate the violin pieces he plays, the original songs he makes, the stories  he writes.  I celebrate everything that he is and everything he can still be.  I celebrate the love I have for him, his love for me, and all the years we still have ahead of us, the memories we have yet to make.

I celebrate the lives of the babies I lost early in my womb. I have never seen them, never felt them move inside me but they gave me and my husband joy and they will always be my babies.

I celebrate the life of my baby Sofie, my dream, God's perfect gift, the baby I gave birth to at twenty three weeks gestation, who struggled to stay with me for another hour and twenty eight minutes. I celebrate the joy she gave me and her dad. I celebrate each little movement she made inside me. I celebrate the sound of her heartbeat and her tiny body, every part of it.  I celebrate the hopes and dreams we had for her future.  I celebrate all those hours, days and nights I spent begging God to allow us to keep her.  I celebrate every drop of tear Ruel and I shed for her.  I celebrate her memory, every second I spend thinking about her, missing her, loving her.

I celebrate the life of the normal and healthy baby girl that I'm waiting for our Creator to give me and Ruel. I celebrate the wonderful years she will share with me, her dad and her brother, Toots. I celebrate the memories we will all make together as a family.

I celebrate the joys and the pains of motherhood.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers. May God bless us and our children.